Unsettled…Unsure

 

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It’s 3:46 am December 4, 2014.  I completed some weekly discussion assignments for my Human Sexuality course for my PhD program. I just showered and now I’m in bed and I can’t sleep. I am sleepy but I can’t. I am not settled…unsettled.

My mind is full of the current events overtaking our nation.  I’m unsettled in my spirit…in my mind.  I have been bombarded with news about the social injustices occurring within our communities.  Lives have been taken at the hands of those who are deemed our “protectors”.

Words like “Hands up don’t shoot,”  “black lives matter,” and “I can’t breathe” ring out on social media, in the streets of our free country, and in the hearts of so many beautiful people of different races and nationalities.

Despite the unity being expressed.  More needs to be done.  I am not surprised about the decision made concerning Mike Brown and Eric Garner.  The “protectors” who took the lives of these unarmed men are protected behind their badges and the law.  I’m unsettled…unsure how to respond.

There are not enough quotes and statements that I can speak and post all over social media that can bring back the countless  lives taken at the hands of our “protectors.”  I can say that I am angry, disappointed, unsettled, and unsure about the state of our country.  I feel that more should be done…I am unsure of what I can do…how can I contribute the protest?

What can I do to protect my daddy from being taken away at the hands of someone who deems him a threat?  How can I ensure that brother’s life will not be taken by our “protectors”?  What needs to be done to keep my 17-year-old nephew from joining his peers, Trayvon Martin and Mike Brown, in young graves?

How long must I pray?  How long do I wait for the government to protect us from the protectors?

I have never pulled the “race card” and I have no plan in using it.  If I were to use the race card in the unfairness of my treatment, I would be considered entitled.  I have seen and heard people say that black people are entitled.  It has been said too often that we use race card for all of our problems.  I have experienced enough in my 29 years of life to say that my blackness has discounted me from some opportunities.  Especially growing up in the rural south.

Instead of seeing my skin color, my race, as a curse, I see it as a blessing in disguise.  I find joy, even pride when those who have prejudged or discounted me because of my brown skin and nappy hair discover that this brown covered body possesses a brilliant mind and a compassionate spirit.  When I speak of my three degrees and pending PhD some gasp in shock.  To me, I’m just a woman who loves learning.  I smile when people, who admittedly prejudged me as just another black girl, discover that I am creative, articulate, intelligent. To me, I’m just being me. Everyday, I wear my skin proudly.

One thing that I sure and settled about is I am a proud, black woman.

This conversation is not over…waiting on justice and equality

Signing out at 5:22 am December 4, 2014…

Settled and Sure,

Brandi

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