Dating: High Standards or High Maintenance

Love and Relationship

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Dating sucks…sometimes.  I have to be honest, dating sucks most of the time for me.   It would be great if God could  deliver “the one” at my front with a very clear letter stating,

“Dear Brandi,  here’s your boo for life.  He needs no assembling.  No awkward dates or courtship is necessary.  He doesn’t come with mind games, baggage, or issues.  He communicates perfectly, he integrity,  and most importantly, he is wired especially for.  Yes, Brandi, he can read your mind and he knows just what to do even before you think it. There’s a lifetime guarantee of pure happiness, joy, and unconditional love. If there is any defect, just contact help@heaven.org and he will be fixed instantly.”

Love,

God

Since love or life does not operate with everything you need showing up at your front door, sometimes I wish that certain things in life were simpler.  I know that there is no perfect man however, the process to meeting “the one” is not glamorous.  At least for me.  Someone told me you have to kiss several frogs before you find your prince.  I get the metaphor but it’s still not encouraging and I’m not going to be kissing everything that approaches me especially a frog.

The dating game is changing.  I didn’t realize how much since that aspect of my life has not been a top priority.  In my late teens and early 20’s, it seemed like guys respected a woman with standards even if they didn’t want to.  Now that I’m almost thirty, some men could careless about my standards or any one else’s.  Celibacy, opening doors, and not “turning up” is archaic or whack.  Some women actually prefer to get to know someone without having to have sex early on.  Some of us actually don’t to get drunk or go to clubs all the time. One of the craziest things I have noticed is that some guys view having standards as being high maintenance.   Having some level of self-respect seems to be unpopular and a chore for some guys to handle.  They want everything easy because a lot beautiful women are giving it away so freely.

I remember one guy, a while back, pretty much suggested that I was “lame” because I don’t go clubbing, get drunk, and choose to be celibate.  He asked me what stories would I be able to tell my children.  I can tell my children that I chose not to do everything my peers did and avoided a lot shame, heartbreak, and I kept my dignity and self-respect.  I pretty much suggested to him that he was a “self-righteous jerk” and a waste of my valuable time and energy. Next.

I really could share so many stories.

From my perspective, high maintenance is someone who requires a lot of emotional, financial, and social support.  High maintenance from an emotional aspect is someone who requires frequent validation, uses manipulation to get what they want, and has untreated, severe psychological issues.  From a financial side, a high maintenance partner requires a lot financial support for vanity and material wants and not needs.  Socially high maintenance partners, uses another partner for social status or influence.  They use their partners to be seen and become socially affluent.  High maintenance partners are draining.

Having high standards mean that you demand and expect a certain level of respect from a mate or potential mate.  That’s all.  RESPECT.  Respect me, my mind, my body, and by choices.

I do realize that dating with standards weeds out a lot of unsuitable partners. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.  But seriously, where’s the quality guys that are gentlemen?

What are your thoughts?  Feel to give me feedback.

Brandi

Online Dating

Love and Relationship

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Okay, so where do I start? Well we’ll start with my dating life. Let’s just say that my dating life has been non-existent, or maybe even on life support. I live in a very rural area and the dating options here are less than desirable. I decided that online dating would be the best route for me to go considering how the dating pool is here in the middle of nowhere. Of course I was a little skeptical and uneasy about it at first, but I decided to try it out anyways. More recently I’ve been opening up to the idea of dating outside of my race. I’ve always been attracted to guys outside of my race but have never dated them. Anywho, I decided to try out this interracial dating site called Afroromance. I found out about it through a general internet search. It’s pretty easy to set up a profile, and it’s free to join. Unlike Eharmony, you are able to view other’s profiles and their picture. The down side is that you have to pay to see who has view your profile, who’s favored you, and to send a message to a person of interest. I personally haven’t had any luck with connecting with anyone since being on this dating site. Mind you, I’ve only had my profile for a little over a month. Most of the guys that flirt with me or message me either aren’t the least bit attractive or they are way past my age bracket. Since I’m sort of new to online dating, I’m not quite sure how long it takes to connect with someone you’re interested in, but I’ll wait it out for a bit more and see what happens. For anyone interested in trying out this dating website, here is the link: www.afroromance.com

Jessica

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Content and Single

Love and Relationship

Ok, so maybe you’re thinking…”Here we go again. Another single black sista blogging her woes about being single with no man….” or maybe you could care less.  Either way it goes, it’s my experience and I’m willing to share.  This post is not about being lonely and needing a man…actually I am comfortably single and loving it.  This post is also not about the shortage of good Black men…just keeping it 100 there’s a shortage of good people in general.

Anyway, I do have the desire to be in a great relationship with a really good man.  And at times, the desire is stronger than others.   Sometimes when I see a lot of women around my age  post  pictures of their recent engagements and weddings on Facebook or when I see their relationship status change from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’, ‘engaged’, or ‘married’, I do share in their excitement.  I am happy for them and I wonder when will I be able to change my relationship status or share the happiness I have found in a great relationship.  I know there are other women who understand me.

At times, I have questioned what am I doing wrong or what do I need to improve in.

However, I am truly learning how to be content in my singleness.  In my contentment, I have learned that lasting love takes time and settling is unacceptable.

I saw this meme that reflects where I am.

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For all of hearts that desire love, patiently wait for the best.

Content,
Brandi

A Sister’s Perspective on Dating Rules

Love and Relationship

Hey my beautiful people! I have a post written by sister that I want to share about dating rules….

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The experts say, “you’re expectations are unrealistic. You’re asking for too much. Don’t lower your standards but readjust them. Do this. Don’t do that.” You get a whiplash looking at all these relationship rules placed in front of you. Trying to figure out who to listen to. What to believe. You have information overload trying to sort through everything to figure out which fits your situation best. So you decide to readjust your standards hoping to get better results than you have in the past. Because obviously your way is very wrong. You try this new method of dating just to find out that it doesn’t work. You end up heartbroken, drained emotionally and physically, frustrated, bitter, confused, and lost. Then you’re stuck trying to figure out what to do next. Whose advice to try next. Whose book to read. Here’s the answer to all of your relationship questions. Find out what you want and the things that you must have in a relationship. Then stick to it. No compromising on those things. We as women tend to date men based on their potential. We see what they could be and date that person instead of the person they truly are. The truth is that most men have potential, but we as women have to choose the man who’s progressively reaching his goals.

 

Jessica Treadway

 

I Am Rare

Inspiration, Love and Relationship

So, I was having a conversation with my mom about the dating scene.  I truly had a vent session about all of the issues that I had experienced in 2012.  Some good and others were disappointing to say the least.  As the optimistic therapist that I am (smiles), I look for the positives and learn from the negatives.  But I had a moment where the negatives seem to outshine the positives.

I knew of the challenges that other women faced with dating.  But once I got back in the game, I realized how challenging dating can be.  Challenging in the fact that most people who I met where dating for various reasons.  Some where looking for flings, some where looking for trophies, some where looking to fill up their time and others just did not know what they wanted.   I just wanted to meet a good guy who had the qualities to be a great friend and possibly an even greater boyfriend.  Did I have much success?  NO. But here’s why…

Let’s go back to my conversation with my mother.  She consoled me like a great mother does and directed towards a scripture…

“Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all” Proverbs 31.29.

So, when she directed me to the scripture my initial response was, “I read Proverbs 31 so many times about being a virtuous woman. I get it.”  I strive to be a virtuous woman.  She told me to look at the verse again.  I did and I let it sink in. “…thou exellest them all”.  I looked at her and she said three words that changed my thought process instantly. “YOU ARE RARE.”

I sat there just absorbing those three small words that have so much meaning.  She began to explain that when you are rare you have so much value and worth.  Therefore, it takes an equally special, rare person who is not only deserving of you but respects and cherishes you because of your rarity.

I did not forget that I am virtuous and precious.  That’s why I did not settle last year.  I was frustrated and disappointed with options that I encountered.  Those situations did not work out because they were not suppose to.

So, I pass this advice on to you. “YOU ARE RARE.”  If you didn’t know…now you know.  Don’t accept poor treatment from someone or give your time and energy to someone who does not cherish it.  You are priceless so you can’t be bought.  And you are too special for someone to devalue you.  Never accept less out of desperation.

I did not settle because I am RARE and I know that my RARE match is out there searching for his precious jewel…ME.  Please don’t settle because you are RARE and I know that your RARE match is out there searching for his/her precious jewel…YOU!

Don’t give up on that special love!  You’re worth it;-)